It is 7:00 in the morning on Saturday, and I am exhausted but I am full of hope, gratitude and thankfulness as I am seeing God work around me & through me. I went to bed late last night partly because that whole process of me turning off the lights, going to bed & knowing that I am here alone is still pretty hard for me. About a week & half ago I had a very scary night, but grateful for how in this very difficult situation I have had friends that have gotten up at 3:30 in the morning to sit with me as I wait for AAA & then welcomed me into their home, who have listened, cared and how in this I have cried out to God to help me in the overwhelming fear & anxiety that has seem to overtake me lately.
I have had some very hard circumstances in my life lately, ones that if I had known they were coming my way I would have told God "no way," and probably runaway (like I always do ;) BUT now looking back I am so grateful to see the depths of what God has done in my heart. My trust towards others, and especially Him has grown in ways I never thought possible. This is only the beginning of me changing, but isn't that part of the process of continually trusting Him daily? Just a few months ago I remember thinking, pondering my major lack of trust towards others, and toward a God who I know in my mind is sovereign, good, and has my best interest in heart. Yet in my mind I was continually not believing that He was those things. Not wanting to fall into self-pity, but just knowing my past, my life I was starting to wondering would I ever be FREE, and increasingly becoming angry towards those around me, and even angry at the God that has given me MORE than I could ever think, want or deserve. I think being "FREE" is me daily continually crying out to God for His help, talking to myself, believing the best of every situation, and rejoicing with others. This is SO hard for me, but I am grateful that my heart has turned, and God has help me direct my eyes Heavenward so that I can see the amazing power of the Cross and the blood that was poured out for me.
I am learning to love God more & more, and in a new, deeper way. I am feeling somewhat free of not being held down by my continued sin, or past sin, and knowing that there is grace for today. I still hope & pray that this is my heart a week from now, or even a year from now. We serve a faithful God, and I know what He has brought me through, and probably will bring my way again is to only learn to trust Him more, to have a child-like faith and grow deeper in my walk with Him.
O God of strength Your hand is on my life
Bringing peace to me
You know my frame, You know how I am made
You planned all my days
Hand of mercy, hand of love
Giving power to overcome
If all beneath me falls away
I know that You are God
On September 16th sweet Grace Suzanne Mawhinney was born at 8:23 in the morning. She was 7 pounds, 6 oz & 20 inches long. Sweet Gracie was born to a young 15 year old girl who choose to give her child a better life by giving her up for adoption. It gives me chills thinking about all that this young, vulnerable girl has had to walk through this past year. How amazing to think of God's redemption, love & grace He has for not only Gracie but her birth mom.
Scott, Janna thank you for your example you have been to me in the way you have walked through this LONG process. Cried out to God for His help, His provision, His wisdom. I am rejoicing with you here. Wishing you were still only a street away so I could serve your family, but I am thankful that I still have the opportunity to be apart of your lives. I can't wait to meet this precious girl. To watch what God has in store for her life, to watch Michael & Levi be the protectors of their little sister and to see all the pink that gets to enter your house now ;) I love yall!
