Be prepared and don't say I did not warn you....it's long & very detailed :)

It's been a long time. I have nothing exciting to share. I am still without a job, still dealing with mucho anger, bitterness in my heart about certain things and still feel completely and utterly lost in all that God is doing. Though He has been faithful to reveal that He is still here, even though I have continually tried to runaway. So in the past week there have been multitudes of things that the Lord has made it obvious of His presence in my life. Here are just a few of the things. Reading scripture at the mic at church last weekend, having a scripture last night at Deluge that the girl right in front of me read the same thing, gave me boldness to go share a piece of my testimony from Haiti and then He POURED out His spirit. As some of my friends were praying for me, my dear sweet friend Julie came to read me Hebrews 12, and I fell to my knees (actually my legs pretty much gave out underneath me) because it was the exact same verses that I had been meditating on the past couple of days. I fought whatever happened last night, and now I wonder if it will ever happen again because I tried so hard to run away from it. Not saying that the Lord didn't move because He did. But I wonder what else could have happened if I had ONLY opened up my little hands and said "here Lord." I want freedom, but I have such a hard time surrendering my complete life to Him. Because I want to know what is going to happen, I want control and I want to know that everything is going to work out. So I guess it's not just surrender it's TRUST too. I am at the place now where it's not what do I believe, it is do I choose to be obedient in what He has called me to do? Which I honestly believe that I am getting closer and closer but for some reason there is still something holding me back. What happens if I do let go? I would appreciate your prayers in this journey and pray that all my craziness (especially lately) does not pull you further away from me. Thank-you for loving me, and for all the wisdom and joy that you pour into my life. Love you all! Here is a song that spoke tremendously to me this morning at church. Enjoy! How do I thank You, O Lord For taking my place on the cross And how do I thank you, O Lord For all of Your mercy and kindness For calling me to You For letting me hear You For opening my heart to the gospel As long as I have breath I will praise You As long as my heart beats I will sing As long as life flows in my veins I will bless Your name How do I thank you, O Lord For all of the love in Your eyes And how do I thank you, O Lord For how You have changed me forever For giving me power, hope and a future With favor and gladness and every good thing