Crys of my heart....

My days seem to be blending together lately, and I feel like more often than not I am constantly in deep thought trying to figure my life out. I wonder if I will find complete peace with God? Will I be free? Will I ever fear God instead of fearing man? What about being truly broken over my sin? Will I make anything of myself? What do I do with my past that seems to STILL be chanied around me? It just keeps going. SO many questions. The one thing that keeps coming to my mind is surrendering. I keep having this reoccuring picture of what surrender means to me. My hands raised with closed fist, and opening my hands to recieve his freedom-Lord please help me to recieve it. I keep coming to this same place where I have 2 choices. The first one I could just go down, but it requires asking for help, and recieving it. BUT NO I am to prideful, self-suffecient and WAY to worried about what other people think and not wanting to burden them to want to take that choice. I choose to carry it all on my own. SO FRUSTRATING. What is it in our hearts that makes us want to not want help (of course except for the fact that we are sinners). At this moment (and I hope that I continue to believe this) but even in all my pride, self-suffecient, anger, jealous, runaway from every problem self that I am. I really am starting to see where he is working in my heart. Humbling me by making me have to raise my hand to ask for prayer AGAIN. I constantly find myself thinking of every excuse in the book of why I don't need to raise my hand-way more worried about what other people think instead of recieving what God wants for me. Or how dear friends have been brave enough to speak truth in my life, even when it has not been easy. Thank you for not holding back. Or for how the past 24 hours my constantly wondering mind has given me some peace. This is not what I thought I would still be walking through years later, but if it takes me 10 more years. I hope that I will grow in many ways. Learning to give my burdens to God, that I will begin to experience or understand the things that I talked about earlier, that I will have no doubt of my salvation and in it all may each and every circumstance teach me to RESPOND the right way, to TRUST Him and to GLORIFY Him. Lord this is the cry of my heart. Help me. Pour out your strength and give me FAITH for what is yet to come. Help me to stay on the steady path, putting one foot in front of the other, ASKING and recieving the help and that leaving, or running away would not be a thought that crossed my mind anymore. Help the lies that are constantly in my heart to stop. May truths overflood my mind and may my HOPE rest in you.